The hard stuff

I always cry a little when someone asks if my mom is my best friend. Like should she be? It doesn’t make sense to me how some mother daughter combo’s are best friends, talk for hours every day and see each other weekly. No my mom is not my best friend. She is a person who is mentally ill and I honestly can not stand to be around her. She wasn’t always like that tho. Its remorseful really to think about seeing her laugh, her wonderful smile, how she always used to be happy; always wore the same perfume Clinigue Happy. The memory’s hurt, which they shouldn’t; I should have a great relationship. Instead I’m left with a fragment of the mom I had while: left with the mother that replaced her.

See my mom is a Bi-polar narcissist with Munchausen syndrome on NO medications. She honestly believes that there is nothing wrong with her and that I have made up all the abuse stories to make myself look better. I learned that there is a word for that.

Its called “Toxic amnesia” is where the toxic person pretends to not remember events or conversations. It is done to create chaos and doubt in the victim. For almost 23 years I have been left with thinking I was crazy. Maybe I was making it up. Was I sick? Should I be medicated? Thoughts that my daughter and husband doesn’t diverse me as a mom, because I will just end up like my mother so why stay?

I no longer see my mother nor do I talk to her. I decided that after tons of praying, talking, and a couple of boxes of Kleenex. While that instead of putting my kids in her way of harm, I’m going to take as long as I can to start to under stand that she IS sick. She refuses to get help but I don’t have to. I can talk, research, and start to understand that no matter what, she is still my mom. I believe that with sick people their hearts are in a good place. Seriously, no matter what they say to you: they do love you in their own way, but their minds are broken.

Growing up was hard guys and ladies. I spent every moment in fear that if I clanked my spoon on the side of  a cereal bowl to many times I was going to get screamed at, smacked, or beat bloody. My best friends still talk about how crazy mom was at times but then would spend money to buy back your love. That’s another thing, friends. I grew up with 4 girls in my life who are all lovely women all are living their own life now but, all have their own problems because of my mom. She mentally broke me and mentally wounded them without so much of an blink. How can someone do that and I still believe that she was a good mom? Still go everyday and say hey it was a bad day girls, it will be better today. Right?

One word, LOVE.

See instead of hating on her, scream till I’m red in the face, or well hitting her back because I have. I admit that. I can love her; from a distance with no contact, but love her. Be the bigger person in the relationship, start to understand that she is sick. She may refuse help, and that is her choice, while that is frustrating as all heck. Also, I must learn to forgive her. Have some grace and guidance when it comes to her.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is the verse I keep telling myself.

Have you ever been abused? If so have you looked for help and received none? How can I help you if you haven’t had any help?

This is a continues post, while I work through this myself.

Love, Rosa